It’s hard to type with your fingers cold. The crisp air slices through digits and lungs. I have two hours before I go into my examination. To hours to my thoughts, my worries, my spirals and triumphs.
It’s a hard balance to constantly be hard on yourself, knowing that you fully deserve the feeling. It’s hard to do that with so much pride, with so much fear, and with so much to lose. Maybe the problem is in the approach. It’s not that I have so much to lose, it’s that I have nothing to lose. When you’re afraid of loss, you get loss. You suffocate everything with layers and lies. So worried about what’s on the exterior and face, you seem to overlook that your core is in pain. You have everything to lose because you don’t have much to begin with. You just can’t accept the fact that you are at the bottom of the barrel.
Without realizing that being at the bottom only means you can only go up.
When you think of your choices now, how much of it has memory? How much of your choices now are truly predetermined before you even make them? Subsiding reactions, every moment is a new moment. The direction has always been a choice. You’ve made choices in the past, you make them now, and you will continue to make them in the future.
So make them, knowing that though your feelings will still feel that way, your actions do not have to be dictated by them. That past mistakes don’t mean predestination; and that first step you take will always be conscious. Arrest the present.
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I really enjoyed reading this. You are a fantastic and inspirational writer. =)
PS. How did you make your profile look this way? When i started mine, I couldn’t seem to find any layouts that were very detailed.
There are a lot of free wordpress themes online. I just search for “magazine” wordpress themes and these are the templates that you can find.
I miss you, beth! Thank you for reading.
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